Look through your albums online and off. Do you have more pictures of your children, significant other, random photos, etc., than you do of yourself? Is it because you're the only one who takes pictures, or you aren't comfortable having your photos online (even if the album is private), or is it because you're ashamed of your appearance? I'll be honest...I'm ashamed of my appearance and because of this unhealthy attitude, my children will one day go through our albums and rarely see me. Quite sad, isn't it?
I get half-pissed off when my husband or children try to photograph me. I typically glare, put my hands in front of my face and give a very stern, "No, don't take my picture." My daughter, a budding photographer, looks so sad when I turn down her taking my snapshot. What kind of mother am I to ignore the sadness of my daughter in favor of ensuring no one sees my picture? So concerned over my looks that I don't want my photo even in a personal family album?
Despite my husband, children and friends telling me how beautiful I am, I look in the mirror and see a fat slob. I overcame that attitude a couple of years ago until the marital problems brought me right back to square one. Somehow, someway, I need to reach down deep inside and find that confident woman. She didn't exist for most of my life so she may take a while to come back.
My temporary high self-esteem wasn't due to weight loss, I started feeling better about myself because I was eating right and exercising. I posted photos, videos of myself working out, etc. on my past blog, regardless of still being in the 220 pound area. So, again, I need to find "her". I need to overcome the low-self esteem I suffered from the result of being emotionally abused by my step-father for 13 years as a child. I wasn't a "lard ass", or "lazy ass" or "fat ass" as a child, but I was too young and had no one on my side to make me believe otherwise. Therefore, self-confidence was something that eluded me until I was 39-years old.
I'm not ready to start posting photos at this time, give me a few weeks though, and I'm sure I will be. However, I'm not going to freak when my family and friends want pictures anymore. What about you? Are you ready to reach down inside and find your healthy self-esteem? Don't allow yourself to punish your loved ones more day by not allowing pictures--they truly do love you just the way you are.
So, so true. I too, run from the camera. Welcome back to blogland!
ReplyDeleteYou always look beautiful, LaVender! I guess it goes to show that it isn't an issue for just those of us who are overweight--not that it is for all overweight women. Maybe it has more to do with self-esteem than anything, which can be damaging regardless of appearance.
ReplyDeleteWow, you are speaking my language! We are walking in the same shoes from the infidelity to the self esteem issues! So glad you are back! I have missed you.
ReplyDeleteI wish I weren't speaking your language, Eally, but it is helpful to know others who have gone or are going through the same thing. Thanks for the welcome back :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs~Sandy